Monday, August 30, 2010

Fail and Sadness I have managed to lose NOTHING this entire month. I'm so distraught! I think i have been in a plateau. I don't even want to update my posts because I am so upset. I hope that my persistence will overcome this plateau. That's all I have to say for now....I'm just upset.

Monday, August 23, 2010

OMG 60 Days Left!

As I look at the ticker on my page....the number 60 is glaring me in the face. 2 months! I still have so much to even look descent! Last week was NO CARB...I did well, but did not see any movement on the scale, however, my stomach is much flatter and my clothes fit much much better, so i know that some of my fat has been converted in to muscle. My mom even commented that she could tell and she is not very forgiving when it comes to excess weight. I remember asking her why she let me wear huge glasses when i was in grade school (as i was looking back at my school pictures) her response was "to hide your fat face" ....thanks mom :)

Anyway- I have tried very hard to no let the scale's still number get to me, but I NEED to see results this week or i will be very very upset. I have a Gym buddy that will keep me accountable...we have a date at 8pm tonight, but I might go early so I can stay longer (the gym closes at 10, but i feel like I'm being rude if i stay longer than 9:45). Still doin the No Carb thing....Wish me luck!

.....Positive energy.....*sigh* so discouraging when i don't see the scale budge....

Monday, August 16, 2010

Thinking Out Loud

So, I have decided that I must do a low carb diet and put my body in to ketosis in order to burn the fat quickly. Here is the link to get an idea of what I'm talking about.

Last week, when I lost the 3lbs in 2 days, i was doing the low carb thing. Well....I added carbs back in and i quickly gained those 2lbs back. My mom told me that our family genetically responds well to low carb diets (using the term "diet" as in what we eat instead of restricting). I have been good all day. I must not go above 25 net carbs in 1 day. I'm going grocery shopping today to stock up on low carb food items.

I am losing, but I need to lose a significant amount of weight within a short period of time and studies show that the best way to do this is through, I will do what I have to do!

Wish me luck!

Oh yea---
I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love.....Such a good book! i haven't seen the movie yet, but I'm going to go once i finish the book. I recommend it to anyone who is fighting their inner's beautifully written!

Friday, August 13, 2010


I went to my parent's house to use their sauna again and weighed myself after that and it said i was down 3 lbs from the last time i checked. I had a networking event last night (free drinks and food), so i'm not so sure how much of that 3lbs is accurate, but seeing progress is good in general!

I was invited to a party tonight, but i'm passing on it because i do not want to drink excess calories since i did that last night....I am going to take it easy and probably hang out at the parent's house so i can keep accountable. My mom is an RN and very good at cooking healthy. She fully supports me in my weightloss (because she doesn't want a fat kid!-ha), so it's been good to spend time over there because she's ruthless when it comes to me snacking, etc. Mom and Dad had ice cream the other night and my dad asked if i wanted any and i declined...and my mom was like "no, she can't have any of that right now!"
...she means well...i have asked her to help me, so i can't complain.

I do want to thank everyone who has chosen to follow me- everyone here is so supportive and it really helps me....we all have issues with food and our bodies ...knowing that there are others out there that think/ feel the same way as I do is so comforting and makes this journey bearable.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

Monday, August 9, 2010

-15 lbs!!!

OK y'all....this weekend was a success: ) i have finally seen my weight officially go down 15 lbs and my body feels great!

The colonic made me a bit nervous at first, but the technician was very calming.
..just seeing all of the "crap" (literally and figuratively) coming out was quite surprising. my stomach has gone down quite a bit and i no longer have dull feels really good to be free from all of those toxins.

i used my parent's far infrared sauna also. OMG! i just can't wait to see how this is going to help speed up the process. if u read about these, it burns calories as if i went to the gym as well as releases toxins from all of the fat. it's crazy how good it is for u.
just wanted to update everyone!


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Friday, August 6, 2010

Holistic Healing

This weekend will be one all consumed with holistic-ness :) I have a hydrocolonic appointment tomorrow at 2....I have always wanted to get this done because there are so many benefits, but never really had it on my radar as something to spend my money on. I am taking the next 2.5 months to concentrate on ME.

I plan to go to my parents on Sunday to use their infrared Sauna.

I will have to practice self control this weekend...last weekend, I ate a lot of fast food....even though it was only 1 meal a's enough to make me maintain instead of lose. I will go to the gym also...the gym is the difference between hovering between pounds and LOSING pounds.

I love sleeping in...or rather, not having to wake up. I am lucky to have a job where I get the weekends off. Lately, I mostly spend my time resting as opposed to going out and putting myself in the position to feel obligated to spend a lot of money and eat excess calories.

here's to a great weekend!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

One Month

Today is one month from when I started and I have lost another .8 lbs....I'm okay with that...i'm still in the 13, almost 14 lb loss...I don't remember the exact decimal when I started, just the whole number.

I am ok with the 13 lbs...I wish it were more as I still have about 45 to go to be at my "comfortable" weight...and then I would like to lose an additional 20-30...maybe more...depending on how far I want to take this.

I have been reading a lot about holistic medicine/healing...the website for a local hydrocolonics place also mentioned infrared saunas as a great way to lose toxins and weight....i realized, my parents (who live 20 minutes down the road) just bought an infrared sauna last year..I never really thought twice about it, but after reading about it...It's SOOOO good for you. Here is the link to the weightloss benefits....not including the toxin removal benefits. AHHH! I told my mom that i'd be coming this weekend to use it...she was like "sure!"
It's like i found gold in my backyard! I cannot wait to get in there!

Has anyone tried hydrocolonics? I'm kinda nervous about trying it for the obvious reasons....I do believe they would be helpful, but does the benefit outweigh the cost?
I would appreciate any one's thoughts about this....

Hope every one's doing well and I know I could not do this without ya'lls support! It's made a world of difference.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"Breath" by Breaking Benjamin

This is one of my favorite songs...The reason for my blog title is this song....please check them out if you haven't heard of them before. I love them, I have met them and they are an awesome band! Especially Mr. Benjamin :)

I see nothing in your eyes
And the more I see the less I like

Is it over yet?
In my head

I know nothing of your kind
And won't reveal your evil mind

Is it over yet?
I can't win

So sacrifice yourself
And let me have what's left
I know that I can find
The fire in your eyes
I'm going all the way
Get away please

You take the breath right out of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
'Cause I will be the death of you

This will be all over soon
Pour the salt into the open wound

Is it over yet?
Let me in

So sacrifice yourself
And let me have what's left
I know that I can find
The fire in your eyes
I'm going all the way
Get away please

You take the breath right out of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
'Cause I will be the death of you

I'm waiting
I'm fading
Stop hiding

You take the breath right out of me
And left a hole where my heart should be
You gotta fight just to make it through
'Cause I will be the death of you

Downward Movement of the Scale is SOO worth the Pain!

Ok ya'll, I totally rocked it at the gym....I did 2.5 hours last night....I did an hour on the elliptical (hardcore...made sure to be faster than the skinny bitches next to me!), 30 minutes on the bike (can never really get in to that...), and one hour on the treadmill (light walking cuz i was SO tired). I went there DETERMINED that I would not leave until close....I didn't. My hips and spine hurt so badly by the time i was done....i went home, took a shower and then did some yoga- What did I ever do before yoga? I LOVE it....there is nothing better than feeling the stretch......

As far as eating goes...i haven't been eating much...Sugar Free Jello is my new BFF. I have been having 1 meal (lunch) per day since i'm working out. Yesterday I had a baked potato. I figure, I can't really do a full on liquid fast since i don't want to pass out at the gym. I really want to get to the point where I can go days without eating solids simply because it is so good for removing toxins.

So, total i have lost 13+ lbs ...tomorrow will be 1 month from my start date (I started the day after Independence day cuz i ate/drank way too much stuff on that day).

I have a massage membership and I haven't used my monthly massage, so I think i'm going to do that today... I need it after yesterday and then I plan to go to the gym once i'm finished with my massage.

Happy Hump Day everyone :)


I SO need that hips and lower back are so sore....It's all good though.

Currently listening to Three Days Grace "Pain" cuz i kept tellin my coworkers I was in it was the theme to my day. :)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I have been going along trying to convince myself that simply cutting calories will help me lose weight quickly. While, yes, this is true...I only have a certain amount of time between now and my best friend's wedding. I NEED TO WORK OUT!!!! I went last night and felt great this morning. I cannot be lazy when it comes to losing weight....i need to be doing BOTH (hence the 1+1=2). NO EXCUSES!

Last Friday night was a an "Ah Ha" moment for me....I am typically very social and not shy....well, we were all tailgating and there were a bunch of guys in the row next to us seeing me make shots...they semi-flirted with me, but I was very aware that this was mainly because the were interested in the shots....not so much me. I am usually confident that at least one out of the 8 would be flirting with me, but this time...i was confident that it was the shots. No hard feelings...they were nice enough and we all laughed and had a good time, but I am literally in a shell of myself right now. I feel like I'm trapped in a fat suit. The sooner I can unzip it...the better. I can move on with my normal life.
Don't get me wrong- I definitely have issues with my weight without the additional pounds that I recently acquired, but I am socially more acceptable, I can physically do more, & I can fit in to clothing and look descent.

Notice that I do not call myself "Fat"too often. I am very much against labeling myself as that because I do not want to BE that. I am not that. I will not allow myself to be that any longer. I allowed myself to become that because of self sabotage. It was a conscious decision....I am making a conscious decision to lose this extra weight. I may currently have extra pounds to lose,but they can be shed and they will be shed.

Thank you all for the words of really helps!


Monday, August 2, 2010

Weekend was a Bust!

I completely sucked this weekend. I ate way too many calories!

I am doing a liquid diet (no more than 300 cals) from now until I can't do it anymore (well, I'd love to do 10 days). I did pretty well last week with my 3 day fast and my biggest downfall during that was lunch (since we all get food together) because everyone wanted to bring me something to eat. My boss declared a "crash diet" for herself this morning because she has to go to the lake in a month, and I decided that I was going to declare "i'm cutting lunch out" for me, so no one will ask why i'm not eating lunch. This will save me a lot of money too.

During my 3 day fast,
I felt safe -I didn't have to worry about if the food that i was eating was going to affect the number on the scale. I liked that feeling. I just need to remember that when I get hungry.
I did notice that when i did give in to food this weekend, I didn't taste that actually made me sick to my stomach....I guess that's progress....
I slept a good portion of the weekend because I drank a whole 1.5 L bottle of Vodka beginning at 3pm friday and ending at around 3am Saturday morning.
I also started my period on Thursday evening, so i'm sure that didn't help!

I can do this. I know I can...I was too scared to weigh myself this weekend or this morning, so I will do that once i feel like the bloat goes down.

Yay for fasting!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Quick Update i have done fairly well...i'm going to be honest, my co workers had BBQ for lunch and it smelled SO good, so i ended up having 3 fries and 2 bites of pulled pork! I cannot be too down on myself since i have done a great job otherwise...I do feel a lot more carefree when I am fasting because I do not have to worry about whether or not i'm going to regret what I ate. Why do i have to like food? Oh well...I am happy with my progress thus far. I have a networking event this evening- wish me luck....there are free drinks...i think i might have a few ice picks, but that's all....(ice pick is: vodka, iced tea, and lemon-you can add splenda if you prefer 65ish calories). I'll probably be pretty tipsy after that since my stomach is fairly empty. Wish me luck tonight!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


i think i could get the hang of this...i almost drank a whole box of Swanson chicken broth when i got home from work...
the whole box is only 40cals anyway, so not much harm.
im happy about making it through the work day....That's the toughest part. :)

-water for breakfast
-12 oz of apple juice for lunch
-chicken broth and sugar free jello for dinner
-i put 8 oz cherry juice in the freezer for later

*all juice is 100% juice

hope Tk is doing well too. ..she was last we talked...keep it up beautiful!

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3 Day Cleanse

I am doing a 3 day juice fast with TK (thank you for your support- you're amazing!!)

After researching the benefits of fasting, I figured that I would give it a try for 3 days. I have to eat friday, but if it goes well...I plan to begin again- I ultimately would love to get to 10+ days.
For me, This is not just simply fasting to cut's about cleansing the toxins and getting everything that has been accumulating out of my body.
I have done some drugs in the past (prescription and illegal) and ended up using food as my drug until about 3 weeks ago, so i want it all out!

Here is the article that gave me the desire to do this: Benefits of Fasting

I appreciate everyone's comments and support ya'll rock!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I know nothing of moderation.

Why...why...WHY does my life revolve around food? OMG, it's so annoying. Since I can remember, I have spent every moment analyzing and agonizing over food. I want so badly to fast for the next 3.5 days (i have a work function on Friday that I have to go to and HAVE to eat)....fasting is good for the helps clear out toxins. If you read my first post, I talk about Antidepressants, well even though I am completely off of them (i felt like complete crap for about a month), I still feel a jolt every now and then. For those of you who don't know, when one comes off of antidepressants, their brain has to become accustomed to not having them in their system and it results in, what feels like, an electric shock throughout the body. If I fast, I am confident that I can get the remenance of that drug completely out of my body.

I just need to put my mind to it.

I need help with this.

Deep Breath

Deep breath.....I gained 1.6 lbs over the weekend.

Obviously, I did not stick to my liquid fast. I did eat less than 1200 cals each day and in theory, my body burns more than that as far as my resting metabolism goes, so I'm not sure why the gain. I suppose it could be the fact that I was restricting before and since I ate normal calories, my body is holding on to everything....IDK....I do know that I'm disappointed, but not surprised. Like i said before, I have been here before....I know how to lose weight...I know that it is normal for the scale to go up in the midst of progress.
What i have to remember is that ultimately, I do weigh less than when I started 3 weeks ago.
Time to restrict.

I seem to have better luck with restricting rather than fasting completely because I usually fuck it up when I fast.

Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I did.

I need motivation to go to the gym. I can't get in the groove of it! I just want to go home and sleep so that I can wake up as a thinner me.....Does anyone else have this issue?

Kinda frustrated.....

<3 <3

Saturday, July 24, 2010

liquid fast today

im doing a liquid fast today....maybe tomorrow too.

may include the following:
diet drinks
broth based soup
smoothie or protein shake

may not exceed 500 calories

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Thursday, July 22, 2010


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i just binged and purged....2nd time this week.... i stopped over 5 years ago...and now twice. mad at myself.

Update: I weighed myself this morning and it showed that i was down .4 lbs, so almost half of a pound. -this means that my binge didn't completely eff everything up....

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I finally invested in a new digital has the settings that allow you to program it to tell you how much you have lost (or gained) since the last time you got on it. I had one of the dial scales and it was hard to read...i originally got it because i thought since it was harder to read...i couldn't be too hard on myself if the dial went up a bit- i could just shrug it off as the scale being finicky. Now it's clear in LCD numbers! NO more excuses! It's going to be my new BFF :)

I am down a total of 8lbs in roughly 3 weeks....not great, but I know that having the new scale is going to be good for me in order to stay accountable.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Just me and my demons

I have slowly become more and more secluded. I have become aprehensive about hanging out with friends because it's inevitable that I will be put in a position to have to say no to some sort of food temptation....and then come the judgements from them...."why?, you know it's not good to not eat, etc" Well...I also know it's not good to be overweight either, so I'd rather just stay away.

So, lately, it has been just me and my demons....I am slowly battling them one by one and getting control of this. I have to go get fitted for the bridesmaid dress next weekend. TOTALLY not looking forward to it. It's a good thing that my mom is great at sewing because I will have to have her take it in. I need to get the motivation to go to the gym daily. I do yoga daily, but I need to do the cardio. I can't wait till fall....i can run/walk outside and not DIE from the heat.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I will do this

I am doing this. :)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I am a firm believer that a positive outlook leads to wonderful things.

My best friend's wedding is October 23rd. 94 days...this is the goal date. I have not seen her in 2 years,so she has no idea how much I let myself go. I am confident that i will see results and she won't have to know. I am the maid of honor, so I have to look decent. I am strong and determined, this will not be easy, but I can do it. If only determination were enough. I have been restricting and haven't seen a great deal of movement on the scale (about 2 lbs in 1 week), I'm not sure what to do except keep on restricting. At least I have not gained and overall...i am losing, just not as fast as I would prefer.

Let's think positively....*positive thoughts*....I'm a fan of positive energy and the whole concept of mind over matter. Yes, the weight is real, but the mind can do amazing things when you allow your subconscious thoughts to lead it there.
-I wanted to get rid of the bad relationship and I was convinced that the only way to do this was to sabotage myself because I knew it was too tempting to stay otherwise, so here we are....

Yoga has become my safe place. I have recently been introduced (within the past 2 months) to yoga and LOVE IT. I find that the more weight I lose, the more possibilities there are in my yoga practice. I can do more poses, Hold the poses longer,and the less belly I have-the lower to the ground I can go. I have a play list on my iPod titled "ohm"....I turn the lights out in my living room and do yoga when i feel frustrated and overwhelmed.

I love music. It's like a drug. It takes all the pain away. Any excuse to listen to music (and not just have it in the background) is something I look forward to.

Hope everyone has a great day! <3

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 1

half sandwich and soup-540
light string cheese-60
veggie steamer- 100
protein shake-200

gym 1 hour- (650)

net intake: 285

....closing out the day.
Is it bad that i still think i ate too much? sandwich. I can do this.

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The Beginning

Ok....So I have spent the last 2 weeks reading and taking in everyone's perspective on losing weight.

I am sure of one thing. I need/will lose at least 50 lbs in a little over 3 months.
I can do this.

I think this blog will help me stay accountable.

A little bit about me:
*I am 26 years old [going through a quarter life crisis :)]
*I have always had issues with food.
*I have always thought i needed to weigh less.
*I have had issues with ED, drugs, cutting,and co-dependency.
*I have been thin on the scales, but never thin in my mind.
*I recently gained 60+ lbs within 7.5 months to basically get out of a relationship.
I was in a long distance relationship and the guy REFUSED to leave. I knew it
wasn't a good know, that gut feeling? well...everytime i was
with him, I knew it wasn't good. So, I did a little self sabatoge and it wasn't
the weight that was the problem--it was my insecuries that led to destruction
and demise of that relationship. (good to be out of the
relatioship, but left
with the weight and insecurities that go with it.)
I am not going to share my current weight right now....i will...i just need time to come to terms with it. Keep in mind- I have never been this it is not "normal" to me.

If i can be an advocate for anything, it would be ANTI-antidepressants.

I disliked the circumstance of my relationship (long distance)so much that I turned to antidepressants.

After gaining all the weight, I started googling my prescription and, in horror, I was reading about others who gained weight because of it as well. I know everyone is different, but for me, it STOPPED my metabolism. Which they are known to do (or atleast slow it down). So combine that with emotional eating and VOILA- an excess shell of a body that took less than 8 months to acquire.

I am determined to be better than I was before I was in that relationship!

I am ready to start the new chapter of my life....there is not a doubt in my mind that i can do this. It's just a matter of DOING IT.