Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Quick Update i have done fairly well...i'm going to be honest, my co workers had BBQ for lunch and it smelled SO good, so i ended up having 3 fries and 2 bites of pulled pork! I cannot be too down on myself since i have done a great job otherwise...I do feel a lot more carefree when I am fasting because I do not have to worry about whether or not i'm going to regret what I ate. Why do i have to like food? Oh well...I am happy with my progress thus far. I have a networking event this evening- wish me luck....there are free drinks...i think i might have a few ice picks, but that's all....(ice pick is: vodka, iced tea, and lemon-you can add splenda if you prefer 65ish calories). I'll probably be pretty tipsy after that since my stomach is fairly empty. Wish me luck tonight!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


i think i could get the hang of this...i almost drank a whole box of Swanson chicken broth when i got home from work...
the whole box is only 40cals anyway, so not much harm.
im happy about making it through the work day....That's the toughest part. :)

-water for breakfast
-12 oz of apple juice for lunch
-chicken broth and sugar free jello for dinner
-i put 8 oz cherry juice in the freezer for later

*all juice is 100% juice

hope Tk is doing well too. ..she was last we talked...keep it up beautiful!

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3 Day Cleanse

I am doing a 3 day juice fast with TK (thank you for your support- you're amazing!!)

After researching the benefits of fasting, I figured that I would give it a try for 3 days. I have to eat friday, but if it goes well...I plan to begin again- I ultimately would love to get to 10+ days.
For me, This is not just simply fasting to cut's about cleansing the toxins and getting everything that has been accumulating out of my body.
I have done some drugs in the past (prescription and illegal) and ended up using food as my drug until about 3 weeks ago, so i want it all out!

Here is the article that gave me the desire to do this: Benefits of Fasting

I appreciate everyone's comments and support ya'll rock!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I know nothing of moderation.

Why...why...WHY does my life revolve around food? OMG, it's so annoying. Since I can remember, I have spent every moment analyzing and agonizing over food. I want so badly to fast for the next 3.5 days (i have a work function on Friday that I have to go to and HAVE to eat)....fasting is good for the helps clear out toxins. If you read my first post, I talk about Antidepressants, well even though I am completely off of them (i felt like complete crap for about a month), I still feel a jolt every now and then. For those of you who don't know, when one comes off of antidepressants, their brain has to become accustomed to not having them in their system and it results in, what feels like, an electric shock throughout the body. If I fast, I am confident that I can get the remenance of that drug completely out of my body.

I just need to put my mind to it.

I need help with this.

Deep Breath

Deep breath.....I gained 1.6 lbs over the weekend.

Obviously, I did not stick to my liquid fast. I did eat less than 1200 cals each day and in theory, my body burns more than that as far as my resting metabolism goes, so I'm not sure why the gain. I suppose it could be the fact that I was restricting before and since I ate normal calories, my body is holding on to everything....IDK....I do know that I'm disappointed, but not surprised. Like i said before, I have been here before....I know how to lose weight...I know that it is normal for the scale to go up in the midst of progress.
What i have to remember is that ultimately, I do weigh less than when I started 3 weeks ago.
Time to restrict.

I seem to have better luck with restricting rather than fasting completely because I usually fuck it up when I fast.

Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I did.

I need motivation to go to the gym. I can't get in the groove of it! I just want to go home and sleep so that I can wake up as a thinner me.....Does anyone else have this issue?

Kinda frustrated.....

<3 <3

Saturday, July 24, 2010

liquid fast today

im doing a liquid fast today....maybe tomorrow too.

may include the following:
diet drinks
broth based soup
smoothie or protein shake

may not exceed 500 calories

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Thursday, July 22, 2010


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i just binged and purged....2nd time this week.... i stopped over 5 years ago...and now twice. mad at myself.

Update: I weighed myself this morning and it showed that i was down .4 lbs, so almost half of a pound. -this means that my binge didn't completely eff everything up....

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I finally invested in a new digital has the settings that allow you to program it to tell you how much you have lost (or gained) since the last time you got on it. I had one of the dial scales and it was hard to read...i originally got it because i thought since it was harder to read...i couldn't be too hard on myself if the dial went up a bit- i could just shrug it off as the scale being finicky. Now it's clear in LCD numbers! NO more excuses! It's going to be my new BFF :)

I am down a total of 8lbs in roughly 3 weeks....not great, but I know that having the new scale is going to be good for me in order to stay accountable.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Just me and my demons

I have slowly become more and more secluded. I have become aprehensive about hanging out with friends because it's inevitable that I will be put in a position to have to say no to some sort of food temptation....and then come the judgements from them...."why?, you know it's not good to not eat, etc" Well...I also know it's not good to be overweight either, so I'd rather just stay away.

So, lately, it has been just me and my demons....I am slowly battling them one by one and getting control of this. I have to go get fitted for the bridesmaid dress next weekend. TOTALLY not looking forward to it. It's a good thing that my mom is great at sewing because I will have to have her take it in. I need to get the motivation to go to the gym daily. I do yoga daily, but I need to do the cardio. I can't wait till fall....i can run/walk outside and not DIE from the heat.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I will do this

I am doing this. :)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I am a firm believer that a positive outlook leads to wonderful things.

My best friend's wedding is October 23rd. 94 days...this is the goal date. I have not seen her in 2 years,so she has no idea how much I let myself go. I am confident that i will see results and she won't have to know. I am the maid of honor, so I have to look decent. I am strong and determined, this will not be easy, but I can do it. If only determination were enough. I have been restricting and haven't seen a great deal of movement on the scale (about 2 lbs in 1 week), I'm not sure what to do except keep on restricting. At least I have not gained and overall...i am losing, just not as fast as I would prefer.

Let's think positively....*positive thoughts*....I'm a fan of positive energy and the whole concept of mind over matter. Yes, the weight is real, but the mind can do amazing things when you allow your subconscious thoughts to lead it there.
-I wanted to get rid of the bad relationship and I was convinced that the only way to do this was to sabotage myself because I knew it was too tempting to stay otherwise, so here we are....

Yoga has become my safe place. I have recently been introduced (within the past 2 months) to yoga and LOVE IT. I find that the more weight I lose, the more possibilities there are in my yoga practice. I can do more poses, Hold the poses longer,and the less belly I have-the lower to the ground I can go. I have a play list on my iPod titled "ohm"....I turn the lights out in my living room and do yoga when i feel frustrated and overwhelmed.

I love music. It's like a drug. It takes all the pain away. Any excuse to listen to music (and not just have it in the background) is something I look forward to.

Hope everyone has a great day! <3

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 1

half sandwich and soup-540
light string cheese-60
veggie steamer- 100
protein shake-200

gym 1 hour- (650)

net intake: 285

....closing out the day.
Is it bad that i still think i ate too much? sandwich. I can do this.

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The Beginning

Ok....So I have spent the last 2 weeks reading and taking in everyone's perspective on losing weight.

I am sure of one thing. I need/will lose at least 50 lbs in a little over 3 months.
I can do this.

I think this blog will help me stay accountable.

A little bit about me:
*I am 26 years old [going through a quarter life crisis :)]
*I have always had issues with food.
*I have always thought i needed to weigh less.
*I have had issues with ED, drugs, cutting,and co-dependency.
*I have been thin on the scales, but never thin in my mind.
*I recently gained 60+ lbs within 7.5 months to basically get out of a relationship.
I was in a long distance relationship and the guy REFUSED to leave. I knew it
wasn't a good know, that gut feeling? well...everytime i was
with him, I knew it wasn't good. So, I did a little self sabatoge and it wasn't
the weight that was the problem--it was my insecuries that led to destruction
and demise of that relationship. (good to be out of the
relatioship, but left
with the weight and insecurities that go with it.)
I am not going to share my current weight right now....i will...i just need time to come to terms with it. Keep in mind- I have never been this it is not "normal" to me.

If i can be an advocate for anything, it would be ANTI-antidepressants.

I disliked the circumstance of my relationship (long distance)so much that I turned to antidepressants.

After gaining all the weight, I started googling my prescription and, in horror, I was reading about others who gained weight because of it as well. I know everyone is different, but for me, it STOPPED my metabolism. Which they are known to do (or atleast slow it down). So combine that with emotional eating and VOILA- an excess shell of a body that took less than 8 months to acquire.

I am determined to be better than I was before I was in that relationship!

I am ready to start the new chapter of my life....there is not a doubt in my mind that i can do this. It's just a matter of DOING IT.